her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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