I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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