maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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