Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
