her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
