I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
