Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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