My liver just broke up with me...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
