I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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