wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
