my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
