I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
