I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
