Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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