he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
