i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
