I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
