i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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