Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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