i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
