If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
