Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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