??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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