I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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