Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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