Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
