My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
