Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
