Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
