ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
