I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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