Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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