I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
