Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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