I think I died a long time ago.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
