Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
