I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
