Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
