Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
