I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Where is the hickey?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
