The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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