Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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