using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
