When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
