Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
