My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
