im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
