You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
