im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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