we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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