well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
